Tuesday, June 07, 2005
LOGIC WORKSHEET FOR JEW HATERS*
*"But how do I know whether or not I'm a Jew hater?" (1) If you are a non-Jew who has ever played catch or keep-away with somebody's kipah, you are a Jew-hater. (2) If you have ever attempted to get someone to "accept J-sus Christ as [his/her] personal L-rd and Savior," you are a Jew hater. (3) If you watched that "The Passion of the Christ" movie nonsense and it made you want to run right out and proselytize, you are a Jew hater. (4) If you feel Jews are going to Hell for being Jews, you are a Jew hater (and incidentally also devoid of logic, as this worksheet hopes to illustrate). (5) Don't feel left out if you are not specifically Jew hating. If you don't like Buddhists, Muslims, Sikhs, American Indians, Baha'is, Catholic Christians, Hindus, and/or any other religious group, this worksheet applies to you as well. We are (or hope to be) an equal-opportunity bigot bitch-slapper.
There are two possible answers to each question: YES or NO.
1. Is G-d good/kind/merciful/loving?
(a) if yes, continue to 2
(b) if no, then congratulations, you are a Cathar. You have successfully survived hundreds of years of persecution by the Catholic Church to bring your dualist good G-d/evil G-d perspective to the current day. I applaud you for that, although I don't agree with you, HERETIC (hee! just kidding. Although you are in schism with the True Church and I'll pray for you).
2. Are human beings punished/rewarded by G-d for actions they take, whether the punishment/reward occurs in this world or in another?
(a) if yes, then continue to 3
(b) if no . . . I just don't even know what to say to you. Sorry. Can you maybe pretend to say yes and just go on to 3 and see if that helps?
3. Are human beings punished/rewarded by G-d, in this world or any other, for actions that aren't theirs, or, in other words, for things they don't control? (Example: being Asian. Can a person be punished/rewarded by G-d just for being Asian, without any accompanying "Oh, well, if they're Asian, maybe they haven't heard the Good News, and . . ."? Can a person be punished/rewarded, straight up, for having parents from Asia and being born with skin that is a certain shade, etc.?)
(a) if yes, then logic error-- G-d is arbitrary and cruel in punishment-- conflict with YES answer to question 1: Is G-d good/kind/merciful/loving?
(b) if no, then continue to 4
Review: 1. G-d is good/kind/merciful/loving. 2. People are punished/rewarded by G-d for their actions. 3. People are not punished/rewarded by G-d for actions that are not theirs.
4. Is believing in J-sus an action people can take?
(a) if yes, continue to 5
(b) if no, continue to 7
5. I will give you a set of commands. Your task is to identify whether or not these commands involve you performing a humanly possible action. You may find the necessary materials and attempt to execute these commands if it will help you to decide whether or not what you are asked to do is an action that humans can perform.
COMMANDS: Close the door. Now open the door. Now close the door. Now open the door. Now close the door.
Now that you have heard this string of commands: is this an intelligible string of commands?
(a) if yes, continue to 5(c)
(b) if no, perhaps a dictionary that helps you understand English will assist in your performing of these commands, and in your English reading comprehension in general. I know we are not all native speakers of English, and it doesn't mean we're dumb. Once you understand better, continue to 5(c)
(c) This is an intelligible string of commands. Are these actions that you as a human can perform?
(i) if yes, continue to 6
(ii) if no: is this because you are a human who has certain physical limitations? If so, try to imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger performing the commands, then try to imagine my grandmother doing so. Can der Ahnold do it? Can my grandma? If so, the commands are by definition actions that humans can perform, as Schwarzenegger and Grandma are both humans and have both performed them. If your confusion is not due to physical/mental/emotional challenge or an inability to understand the commands, I do not know where it is coming from. Good luck, I guess.
6. I will give you another set of commands. Your task is to identify whether or not these new commands involve you performing a humanly possible action. You may attempt to execute these commands if it will help you to decide whether or not what you are asked to do is an action that humans can perform, although these commands do not involve anything material.
COMMANDS: Believe in J-sus. Now don't believe in J-sus. Now believe in J-sus. Now don't believe in J-sus. Now believe in J-sus.
Now that you have heard this string of commands: is this an intelligible string of commands?
(a) if yes, continue to 6c
(b) if no, it's probably because believing in J-sus is clearly and patently not a humanly performable action, to the point where it sounds ridiculous to command someone to do it or not do it. Continue to 6c
(c) This is an intelligible string of commands. Are these actions that you as a human can perform?
(i) if yes, then congratulations (or perhaps I mean good luck, you poor person), because I know I can't just quit believing in J-sus like that. You are clearly a much more versatile person than I or anyone else I know and have talked to about this. I will pray for your right guidance.
(ii) if no, then believing in J-sus is not an action humans can perform. Continue to 7
Review of all points so far: 1. G-d is good/kind/merciful/loving. 2. People are punished/rewarded by G-d for their actions. 3. People are not punished/rewarded by G-d for actions that are not theirs. 4. Believing in J-sus is not an action humans can perform.
7. Can humans be punished/rewarded by G-d for not believing in J-sus?
(a) if yes, then logic error -- G-d is arbitrary and cruel, as well as contradictory -- 4 states that believing in J-sus is not an action that humans can take, and 3 states that people are not punished by G-d for actions that are not theirs. Since people cannot undertake the action of choosing whether or not to believe in J-sus, they are not punished for the choice. (For now we will remain neutral on the topic of who does make the choice, but I'll give you a hint, cleverly masked in coughing sounds: cough cough cough G-D! cough cough.)
(b) if no, then welcome to Catholicism and the less-ridiculous forms of Protestantism.
I don't know why you're so down on Jews. Maybe you notice that Jewish people tend to be educated and articulate people, and that makes you feel inferior. Maybe you secretly want to be a Jew but feel closed out by the sometimes-insular nature of many Jewish communities. Maybe you're just jealous that they get to be G-d's Chosen People and we're just the poor slobs J-sus has to scrape off the floor of Hell. In any event, you need to stow the Jew hate, not just because the True Church tells you to (although it does) (because I acknowledge that sometimes, for whatever reason, G-d makes people "fundamental"ists, and I want you to be true to what He's put in your soul, even if it's that disgusting paralyzing agency-denying pessimistic borderline-Cathar slop that gushes forth from the mouths of so many campus "Christians" like the copious vomitus that occurs when a person has such a bad GI blockage that he or she cannot defecate at all for weeks at a time, waste backs up all the way into his or her stomach, and his or her stomach gets so irritated about it that he or she starts vomiting feces-- "for G-d so LOVED THIS WORLD," people, for crying out loud, "that He gave His only Son," not "because G-d thought this world was completely evil and selfish, you nasty nasty corporeal beings," "for G-d so LOVED THIS WORLD," and you have no right not to love this world also, as we are instructed by Paul that it is not enough merely to feel love for J-sus-- to be true followers we must conduct ourselves EXACTLY AS HE DID, and he loves this world. Unless of course you feel you're above the commands of Christ and His disciples), but because it is actively illogical not to do so. I will pray for your right guidance.
Next logic worksheet for Jew-haters: where does belief/disbelief in J-sus come from?
Stay tuned, young'uns!
*"But how do I know whether or not I'm a Jew hater?" (1) If you are a non-Jew who has ever played catch or keep-away with somebody's kipah, you are a Jew-hater. (2) If you have ever attempted to get someone to "accept J-sus Christ as [his/her] personal L-rd and Savior," you are a Jew hater. (3) If you watched that "The Passion of the Christ" movie nonsense and it made you want to run right out and proselytize, you are a Jew hater. (4) If you feel Jews are going to Hell for being Jews, you are a Jew hater (and incidentally also devoid of logic, as this worksheet hopes to illustrate). (5) Don't feel left out if you are not specifically Jew hating. If you don't like Buddhists, Muslims, Sikhs, American Indians, Baha'is, Catholic Christians, Hindus, and/or any other religious group, this worksheet applies to you as well. We are (or hope to be) an equal-opportunity bigot bitch-slapper.
There are two possible answers to each question: YES or NO.
1. Is G-d good/kind/merciful/loving?
(a) if yes, continue to 2
(b) if no, then congratulations, you are a Cathar. You have successfully survived hundreds of years of persecution by the Catholic Church to bring your dualist good G-d/evil G-d perspective to the current day. I applaud you for that, although I don't agree with you, HERETIC (hee! just kidding. Although you are in schism with the True Church and I'll pray for you).
2. Are human beings punished/rewarded by G-d for actions they take, whether the punishment/reward occurs in this world or in another?
(a) if yes, then continue to 3
(b) if no . . . I just don't even know what to say to you. Sorry. Can you maybe pretend to say yes and just go on to 3 and see if that helps?
3. Are human beings punished/rewarded by G-d, in this world or any other, for actions that aren't theirs, or, in other words, for things they don't control? (Example: being Asian. Can a person be punished/rewarded by G-d just for being Asian, without any accompanying "Oh, well, if they're Asian, maybe they haven't heard the Good News, and . . ."? Can a person be punished/rewarded, straight up, for having parents from Asia and being born with skin that is a certain shade, etc.?)
(a) if yes, then logic error-- G-d is arbitrary and cruel in punishment-- conflict with YES answer to question 1: Is G-d good/kind/merciful/loving?
(b) if no, then continue to 4
Review: 1. G-d is good/kind/merciful/loving. 2. People are punished/rewarded by G-d for their actions. 3. People are not punished/rewarded by G-d for actions that are not theirs.
4. Is believing in J-sus an action people can take?
(a) if yes, continue to 5
(b) if no, continue to 7
5. I will give you a set of commands. Your task is to identify whether or not these commands involve you performing a humanly possible action. You may find the necessary materials and attempt to execute these commands if it will help you to decide whether or not what you are asked to do is an action that humans can perform.
COMMANDS: Close the door. Now open the door. Now close the door. Now open the door. Now close the door.
Now that you have heard this string of commands: is this an intelligible string of commands?
(a) if yes, continue to 5(c)
(b) if no, perhaps a dictionary that helps you understand English will assist in your performing of these commands, and in your English reading comprehension in general. I know we are not all native speakers of English, and it doesn't mean we're dumb. Once you understand better, continue to 5(c)
(c) This is an intelligible string of commands. Are these actions that you as a human can perform?
(i) if yes, continue to 6
(ii) if no: is this because you are a human who has certain physical limitations? If so, try to imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger performing the commands, then try to imagine my grandmother doing so. Can der Ahnold do it? Can my grandma? If so, the commands are by definition actions that humans can perform, as Schwarzenegger and Grandma are both humans and have both performed them. If your confusion is not due to physical/mental/emotional challenge or an inability to understand the commands, I do not know where it is coming from. Good luck, I guess.
6. I will give you another set of commands. Your task is to identify whether or not these new commands involve you performing a humanly possible action. You may attempt to execute these commands if it will help you to decide whether or not what you are asked to do is an action that humans can perform, although these commands do not involve anything material.
COMMANDS: Believe in J-sus. Now don't believe in J-sus. Now believe in J-sus. Now don't believe in J-sus. Now believe in J-sus.
Now that you have heard this string of commands: is this an intelligible string of commands?
(a) if yes, continue to 6c
(b) if no, it's probably because believing in J-sus is clearly and patently not a humanly performable action, to the point where it sounds ridiculous to command someone to do it or not do it. Continue to 6c
(c) This is an intelligible string of commands. Are these actions that you as a human can perform?
(i) if yes, then congratulations (or perhaps I mean good luck, you poor person), because I know I can't just quit believing in J-sus like that. You are clearly a much more versatile person than I or anyone else I know and have talked to about this. I will pray for your right guidance.
(ii) if no, then believing in J-sus is not an action humans can perform. Continue to 7
Review of all points so far: 1. G-d is good/kind/merciful/loving. 2. People are punished/rewarded by G-d for their actions. 3. People are not punished/rewarded by G-d for actions that are not theirs. 4. Believing in J-sus is not an action humans can perform.
7. Can humans be punished/rewarded by G-d for not believing in J-sus?
(a) if yes, then logic error -- G-d is arbitrary and cruel, as well as contradictory -- 4 states that believing in J-sus is not an action that humans can take, and 3 states that people are not punished by G-d for actions that are not theirs. Since people cannot undertake the action of choosing whether or not to believe in J-sus, they are not punished for the choice. (For now we will remain neutral on the topic of who does make the choice, but I'll give you a hint, cleverly masked in coughing sounds: cough cough cough G-D! cough cough.)
(b) if no, then welcome to Catholicism and the less-ridiculous forms of Protestantism.
I don't know why you're so down on Jews. Maybe you notice that Jewish people tend to be educated and articulate people, and that makes you feel inferior. Maybe you secretly want to be a Jew but feel closed out by the sometimes-insular nature of many Jewish communities. Maybe you're just jealous that they get to be G-d's Chosen People and we're just the poor slobs J-sus has to scrape off the floor of Hell. In any event, you need to stow the Jew hate, not just because the True Church tells you to (although it does) (because I acknowledge that sometimes, for whatever reason, G-d makes people "fundamental"ists, and I want you to be true to what He's put in your soul, even if it's that disgusting paralyzing agency-denying pessimistic borderline-Cathar slop that gushes forth from the mouths of so many campus "Christians" like the copious vomitus that occurs when a person has such a bad GI blockage that he or she cannot defecate at all for weeks at a time, waste backs up all the way into his or her stomach, and his or her stomach gets so irritated about it that he or she starts vomiting feces-- "for G-d so LOVED THIS WORLD," people, for crying out loud, "that He gave His only Son," not "because G-d thought this world was completely evil and selfish, you nasty nasty corporeal beings," "for G-d so LOVED THIS WORLD," and you have no right not to love this world also, as we are instructed by Paul that it is not enough merely to feel love for J-sus-- to be true followers we must conduct ourselves EXACTLY AS HE DID, and he loves this world. Unless of course you feel you're above the commands of Christ and His disciples), but because it is actively illogical not to do so. I will pray for your right guidance.
Next logic worksheet for Jew-haters: where does belief/disbelief in J-sus come from?
Stay tuned, young'uns!
